"The Worst Diagnosis"

Tomorrow at 11:30am I'll be checking into Mercy SW Hospital for surgery. "Adenocarcinoma in situ" - that is my diagnosis. Though it is early enough that the doctors refer to it as "pre-cancer", it is still technically Stage 0 of cervical cancer…meaning if left untreated, it would quickly become invasive. 

While I am fortunate and grateful to God that we caught it so early, this is still not something you ever want to hear your doctor say. The particular form I have (glandular) is rare, and even if you remove the affected tissue and are able to get clean margins (which is what I'm aiming for tomorrow), there is a high likelihood that it will return within 4-5 years. So the most recommended form of treatment is to just go ahead and have a hysterectomy. This poses a problem for someone like me, who still carries hope for the possibility of delivering my own children some day. 

It is surprising how much your feelings about a big decision like having children change, when the choice is taken away from you. For a while, I have honestly wondered if having children was really in the cards for me anyway. A few years ago, when I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with a particular person, I eventually faced that decision, and what I ended up choosing surprised even me. I realized something about myself - that having the spouse, the soul mate, the partner I wanted to go through life with, was more important to me than having kids. So why now, when again facing the potential of not having them, am I so upset? 

One thing I do know. God knows what He is doing and He can step in to intervene in my situation any time He wants. If I am supposed to have kids, it will happen somehow. I choose faith over worry. And God, being the wonderful God He is, has been speaking such words of comfort to me over the past few days. 

The first message I felt was directly from Him, was in one of my email devotionals, which discussed 2 Corinthians 4:15-17. While these are verses that were already familiar to me, the wording of the particular translation used in this devotional really grabbed me: "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! (NLT)" The phrase "though our bodies are dying" is obviously what captured my attention, but it truly pierced my heart because of the many other friends I have in my life right now who are suffering from physical ailments. So many of us, far too young to be worrying about such problems. My heart aches for them as well, and this verse felt like a balm to my soul. 

The next morning, this is what I found waiting for me in my inbox: 

"He has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. He has besieged and surrounded me with anguish and distress…and though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers" (Lamentations 3:4-6, 8 NLT). "We all go through a time when our lives seem to be falling apart. We lose our job. A relationship falls apart. Someone dies. Our health takes a turn for the worse. In those times, we're tempted to think God has abandoned us. But He hasn't. The ancient prophet Jeremiah was in the same boat when he wrote the book of Lamentations. He too, felt God had forgotten him. And where did he start? He told God how he felt. Jeremiah didn't ignore what he was feeling. He didn't sugarcoat the situation. In fact, he spent five chapters telling God what he thought about the  situation - "this stinks!" Why would God put that kind of passage in the Bible? He wants you to know that He can handle your anger, your gripes, and your grief. If God was big enough to handle Jeremiah's pain, He's big enough to handle yours, too. He doesn't owe you an explanation, but He is never afraid of what you have to say. So tell Him. It'll be the beginning of healing." 

And like putting the last puzzle piece in place, God spoke to me again on Sunday morning, during our Pastor's sermon. The main theme was about "healing vs. forgiveness", using the story of Jesus healing the paralytic man. When the friends of this man brought him before Jesus, the first thing Jesus did was not to heal his body, but to forgive his sins. Probably not what they were expecting. But it brings up a good point…which is more important - our physical healing or our spiritual healing? Which is truly more life-threatening? 

As I reflected on all of these things today, I felt such a wash of peace fall over me. God has been using all of these things to remind me of this: our life here on Earth is but a vapor. While we may pray for physical healing for our current and temporary ailments, Jesus has already healed us from the worst diagnosis we could ever face - the disease of sin. In light of that, I can find peace and joy no matter what the outcome of my present situation. Thank you, Jesus. I love you, too.

P.S. One last love letter from God...here's the video we showed in church that morning:  

The Greatest Story Ever Told 

What are you waiting for?

Luke 23:50-56 (NIV)

Now there was a man named Joseph, a member of the Council, a good and upright man, who had not consented to their decision and action. He came from the Judean town of Arimathea, and he himself was waiting for the kingdom of God. Going to Pilate, he asked for Jesus’ body. Then he took it down, wrapped it in linen cloth and placed it in a tomb cut in the rock, one in which no one had yet been laid. It was Preparation Day, and the Sabbath was about to begin.The women who had come with Jesus from Galilee followed Joseph and saw the tomb and how his body was laid in it. Then they went home and prepared spices and perfumes. But they rested on the Sabbath in obedience to the commandment.

      When I read this passage, the phrase that jumped out at me the most was “waiting for the kingdom of God.” What does that mean, exactly? It had to mean something more than the fact that Joseph was simply waiting for the coming of the Messiah – all Jews were waiting for that. No, this phrase implies something much deeper.  The greek word for “waiting” used in this verse is prosedeceto, which means to admit or accept something offered, and to expect a fulfillment of promises. The greek word for “kingdom” is basileian, which implies not an actual kingdom but rather the right or authority to rule over a kingdom. It implies the royal power of Jesus as the triumphant Messiah. When it says that Joseph was waiting for the kingdom of God, it means that Joseph accepted Jesus as Messiah and Savior, and recognized his authority as the one true God.  He knew the story wasn’t over yet.

      We know this is really true based on Joseph’s actions that follow. Barnes’ commentary states that it was Jewish law that no body of an executed man should remain on the cross on the Sabbath. Therefore, unless someone had been there to plead with Pilate for the body of Jesus, He would have been buried that night with all the other criminals. Joseph boldly appealed for the body of Jesus. This must have taken courage – Joseph, a man who had previously kept his faith secret for fear of the Jews, was now making a public declaration, revealing his true feelings for Jesus. To ask for His body implied a certain amount of loyalty to Him. It was proof of his sincere affection. Joseph was still waiting for the kingdom of God – putting his faith in God – even after the death of Jesus. Even when it must have seemed that it was all over. That’s because He knew and believed in God’s promises. This was no time to give up – this was Preparation Day! This was a time to act, and act boldly! Joseph’s charge is an example for us – we who hope for a share in the rewards of His kingdom, must also own Christ’s cause, even when all hope seems lost.

      The Message translation used the phrase “alert expectation” to describe Joseph’s behavior. Some days we may not feel God’s presence as strongly as others. Some days it feels like there is no hope, and no point in going on. It is these times we must remember the promises of God and continue to wait with alert expectation that He is present, able, and working – and that we should be prepared. Like Joseph, when the time comes, will our faith boldly do Christ service? The Sabbath is about to begin – are you ready?

Nothing But the Blood

Luke 23:35-38 (NLT)

The crowd watched and the leaders scoffed. “He saved others,” they said, “let him save himself if he is really God’s Messiah, the Chosen One.” The soldiers mocked him, too, by offering him a drink of sour wine. They called out to him, “If you are the King of the Jews, save yourself!” A sign was fastened above him with these words: “This is the King of the Jews.”

      So often, we try so hard to earn something in this world that can only be freely given – love, acceptance, acknowledgment. “If I just get straight A’s, maybe my mother will finally be proud of me.” “If I lose enough weight, maybe my husband will love me more.” “If I work hard enough on this project, maybe I’ll get that promotion.” It is an exhausting and self-defeating way to go through life.  

      Many of us approach our relationship with Christ in a similar way – we try to “earn” grace. When we fail, we are convicted to try harder, so we buckle down and attempt to be a “better” Christian. In reality, there is no such thing. We are a fallen race, wrought with evil desires and a sinful nature. There is nothing we can do to remove this dark stain from our make-up. Try as we might, we will never be good enough. We can never meet God’s standard of perfection. We are incapable. “For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23 – emphasis added). To put it even more bluntly, there is no action we can ever take to save ourselves from the pit of hell. It is where we deserve to be. Jesus is our Savior. It is by His blood alone that we are rescued from our fiery fate. Him and Him alone! If we continue to believe that it is our actions that justify us, we have stepped into the dangerous wasteland of pride. 

      Jesus had the ability and authority to take Himself down off that cross, but He chose to give up that right so that He might accomplish His ultimate purpose. Similarly, in order for God to accomplish His good work in our lives, we must die to ourselves and our pride, and relinquish over this desire to save ourselves. 

      Personally, I find letting go of this desire can be a great relief. God is so good to us! He does not wish for us to feel defeated by our attempts to save ourselves. Instead, we can bask in the beautiful gifts of mercy and grace that He so generously and willingly offers us! It is the very definition of grace to receive something good that you do not deserve, and it is the very definition of mercy to NOT receive something bad that you DO deserve. The blood of Jesus offers us both. O, Precious is the flow, that makes me white as snow!

“Not I,” says the apostle

Luke 22:54-57

“Then seizing him, they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance. And when some there had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and had sat down together, Peter sat down with them. A servant girl saw him seated there in the firelight. She looked closely at him and said, ‘This man was with him.’ But he denied it. ‘Woman, I don’t know him,’ he said.”

A few weekends ago, I had the privilege of watching after a young child for the evening. We were flipping through one of my old childhood books full of folk tales, and I was reading her the story of “The Little Red Hen”. In case you’re not familiar with the tale, it’s about a hen who finds a grain of wheat. She asks the other farmyard animals who will assist her in planting it, but none are willing. At each stage of turning the wheat into bread, the hen again asks for help, but continues to receive the same answer: “Not I,” says the cat. “Not I,” says the pig. Finally, when the baking is done, the hen asks, “Who will help me eat the bread?” This time, all eagerly volunteer. However, she declines their “help”, sharing it only with her own chicks. The moral, simply put, is that if you want to enjoy the reward, you must put in the work. I was strangely horrified as I read the story, realizing it was starting to feel eerily familiar. I could practically hear Peter’s “Not I” ringing in my ears. 

Is this not similar to the way we sometimes treat Jesus? We retreat when things get scary or we sense hard work ahead. We all want the rewards God has to offer, but we aren’t as willing to stick with Him through the difficult times in order to receive them, whether out of laziness (like the farm animals), or fear (like Peter).What is it that Jesus has been asking of you and I that we have been denying Him? Will we continue to answer with a “Not I, Lord”? Will we only stick with Jesus when it’s convenient for us? When it’s safe? When it’s rewarding? 

       I can’t help but think of another verse, in which Jesus tells us “Whoever acknowledges Me before others, I will also acknowledge before My Father in heaven. But whoever disowns Me before others, I will disown before My Father in heaven.” (Matthew 10:32-33). I pray that when the hard work here on earth is done, God will gladly welcome me to share bread with Him at His table in heaven. 

"The Buck Stops Here"

My church, St. John's Lutheran, always has its members write daily devotions during the Lenten season, that are emailed to the rest of the congregation. I wrote my first a couple years ago - this year, in lieu of trying to stretch my writing skills, I volunteered to do three. It's really been a blessing to me, so I thought I would share them here as well. I hope they can be a blessing to you too! This was my first this year, it went out this morning....

Luke 23:6-12 (MSG)

When Pilate heard that, he asked, “So, he’s a Galilean?” Realizing that he properly came under Herod’s jurisdiction, he passed the buck to Herod, who just happened to be in Jerusalem for a few days. Herod was delighted when Jesus showed up. He had wanted for a long time to see him, he’d heard so much about him. He hoped to see him do something spectacular. He peppered him with questions. Jesus didn’t answer—not one word. But the high priests and religion scholars were right there, saying their piece, strident and shrill in their accusations. Mightily offended, Herod turned on Jesus. His soldiers joined in, taunting and jeering. Then they dressed him up in an elaborate king costume and sent him back to Pilate. That day Herod and Pilate became thick as thieves. Always before they had kept their distance.

Have you ever had a problem that you didn’t want to deal with? Maybe you tried to find a way to wiggle out of it and pass the buck to the next sorry chap? In this excerpt from Luke, Herod and Pilate are playing the ultimate game of “Not My Problem” with Jesus. No one knows what to do with him, so they just keep sending him back and forth between cities. As soon as Pilate finds out Jesus is from Galilee, you can practically hear the relief in his voice – “Oh, so he’s a Galilean!?” Pilate found his way out of the problem, and he gladly handed him off to his neighbor to deal with.

This, sadly, reminds me a lot of the way we treat certain situations or people in our own lives as well, because we don’t want to deal with them. We say “that’s not my job” or pull a Cain and ask “am I my brother’s keeper?” We look for ways to shirk responsibility. Or worse, if we can’t find a friend/family member/co-worker to hand the responsibility to, we pass the buck to God and tell Him it’s His problem to figure out for us.

Another part I found interesting about this excerpt, is that Herod was initially delighted to see Jesus. So what gives? Why all the ridicule and mocking later? Well, it says that Herod had hoped to see Jesus perform a miracle, or sign of some sort. But when Jesus did no such thing, Herod became offended and sent Him back to Pilate. Again, a similar way we treat other people or God. We expect something from them. When it comes to other people, we might value them based on what they can do for us, and get disappointed when they don’t meet our expectations. When it comes to God, we view a problem not as an opportunity for US to grow and learn, but for God to show off a bit, come to our rescue, perform a miracle, work our problem out for the good, “do something spectacular”. But when He doesn’t answer the way we want or do any such thing for us, we get miffed and turn on Him.

One last significant note – look at what Herod’s displeasure did to his relationship with Pilate. It brought them together, making them “thick as thieves”, as the Message translation so eloquently puts it. And this from two men who had hated each other before. The King James Version says they were previously at “enmity” with each other. This is a much stronger word, and paints a better picture of just how deep their dislike for one another was rooted – it means a mutual hatred, demanding action, being actively opposed to or hostile towards something. So how could two people who hated each other so vehemently suddenly become BFF’s? Well, let’s admit it – what else can bring two people together but a common rancor towards someone ELSE? Haven’t we all experienced this in our own lives as well? It’s our nature to band together when we find other people with a similar problem as us. When that problem is a person, we even tend to “gang up” on them.

It’s time we stop trying to pass off our problems and circumstances to other people or God. It’s time we stop expecting other people or God to solve our problems for us and then get upset when they don’t. The phrase “the buck stops here” is a pretty commonly known phrase in our culture. It was popularized by U.S. President Harry S. Truman, who kept a sign with that phrase on his desk in the Oval Office, as a reminder that the President has to make the decisions and accept the ultimate responsibility for those decisions. It’s time we all start adopting the phrase “the buck stops here”, and accept responsibility for the circumstances in our lives – whether they are there as a consequence of our own actions, or because God has allowed them – and ask Him what He wants us to do with it.

"Steal my Show"

My life has always been one big emotional roller coaster - full of drama. In fact, many people have described me to be a person of extremes - always high or low, hot or cold, never anything in between. It's true. On the bright side, at least it keeps things exciting! However, the past two weeks have been particularly emotionally turbulent...

For a while I've been riding high. I've had a lot of personal development and inspiration going on. But I've also been having several health issues - and in one week had two different doctors (unrelated) call me to come in after receiving routine test results/bloodwork. Both wanted to schedule procedures as soon as possible - one to take biopsies for cervical cancer, the other to take biopsies of the stomach/small intestine to officially diagnose me with celiac disease. My stomach drops as the coaster plummets.

Amidst all of that, the theatre group I am in called Black Gold Productions, debuted this year's show, in which I was the lead character, and have been having a blast. A happy hill amidst valleys. On opening night, I learned that a good friend of BGP, Wes Jones, had passed away from his battle with cancer. Ironic that we found out that evening, since all of the money we raise goes to the American Cancer Society. 

That night, after I celebrated the opening of our show, I came home and got a call from my dad that my grandfather had passed away. The box car I am in plummets yet again. His passing was expected and peaceful, but that doesn't put a sudden end to the grief. 

The following Monday morning I attended Wes's memorial and service. I was already teetering on an emotional ledge, when I got a call from one of my doctors with the results from the first biopsy test. They found more abnormal cells present than originally thought, with a strong positive for being pre-cancerous, and need to perform yet another procedure immediately - this one will actually be surgical and done in the hospital. Another plummet - and I thought I could go no lower. 

Tuesday I had the endoscopy - though I don't know about those biopsy results yet, I did learn that I also have two ulcers. Will this ride ever stabilize? 

Wednesday and Thursday I was in Fresno for my grandfather's viewing, funeral, and memorial service. On Friday, I crawled back into work feeling quite dizzy and battered. I'm glad I decided to make it in though - I ended up having my performance review that day and learned that I had finally received a long-due promotion. My stomach is in my toes as the coaster heads skyward! That evening, I performed on stage in high spirits. Saturday was the last night of our show, and afterwards was our cast party. I end on a good note. However, that is a lot to take in, in just 14 days. I feel completely exhausted - mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I know that looking at things through a big pictures lens, these two weeks don't seem so awful. Other people are going through worse things. I have been through worse times. But it was enough to make me slow down amidst the chaos and think about what it important to me. 

Attending two memorials in that time really added some perspective. My friend Wes had a beautiful service, his family and pastors spoke wonderful words about him and the true legacy he is leaving behind on this earth. He had been involved with Awanas for 24 years. Him and his family also founded "Joy from Jaidyn" - a ministry that provides toys to Valley Children's Hospital - in honor of his granddaughter that passed away a few years ago. At the service, the altar steps were completely covered with toys, and I cried when I thought how happy this would have made Wes. 

My grandfather had a servant's heart as well. He was probably the most Christian man I knew, and he dedicated 63 years of his life in service to the Masonic Temple. Both of these men loved Jesus with all of their hearts, and I can't imagine how many lives they touched and how much work they have done for the Kingdom of God. I look up to and respect both men, and hope that I can be more like them. I hope that I am able to glorify God in every moment of my life, no matter if it's high or low. 

I'm not sure what the last two weeks of my life were all about, and I am still nervous about some of the things to come, but I do know that no matter what happens, God knows what He is doing, and I trust Him with everything. As I say often, when you can't think of the right words to explain what you mean, you can usually find a song that does, and it will say it better than you ever could. My current situation is no exception - I have become particularly fond of the lyrics at the end of Toby Mac's new song "Steal My Show" (especially in light of my recent stage experience!):
"My life, my friends, my heart, it's all Yours God
My dreams, my fears, my family, my career
Take it away, it's You I wanna live for..."

 Amidst pain, suffering, fear, joy, happiness, life, death, test results, work, play - God is ever present. God is so big His presence blots out everything else. 

At my grandfather's service, I was asked to sing his favorite hymn, "In the Garden". The lyrics that stood out to me as I sang were "I'd stay in the garden with Him, though the night around me be falling, and the joy we share, as we tarry there, no other has ever known". Yes, what JOY to simply walk with my Savior! If nothing else remained, He would still be enough for me. I hope that my life reflects that belief, and that others can see it as well. I hope my life points others toward Christ - because it's all about Him. Feel free to steal my show anytime, God.

Pert Plus, Big Hair, and Children's Stories

I was going through some of my old school things the other day - found my old journals from when I was a kid. I came across this little gem and thought I would share it...

Here are three things I learned about myself from reading this story:

1. I apparently have always had trouble deciding what color my eyes are. Here, I call them both blue and green. I still do this today. Sometimes I call them "Pert Plus", as in the color of a Pert Plus shampoo bottle - a friend described them that way once in college and I've never forgotten it. 
2. I've always had exquisite taste in music. I listed my favorite song as Mr. Big's 1991 hit, "To Be With You". If you're not familiar with it, you're missing out. The song is only made better by the music video - men with long girly hair, jean jackets galore, tambourine, dramatic key change into the last chorus...ahhhhh. Gotta love it. I thoughtfully provided the link for you here. You're welcome. 
3. I have always wanted to be a writer! I do remember writing several children's stories when I was young - I still have one saved, called "Mystery of the Black Beads" - a chilling thriller about a girl who finds a cursed necklace while at summer camp and mysteriously disappears! The pages are so old and worn that the pencil writing is starting to fade. I should type it out before I lose it completely. During this time of rediscovery for my love of writing, it certainly is fun to see proof that it's something I've always enjoyed. :-)