Tomorrow at 11:30am I'll be checking into Mercy SW Hospital for surgery. "Adenocarcinoma in situ" - that is my diagnosis. Though it is early enough that the doctors refer to it as "pre-cancer", it is still technically Stage 0 of cervical cancer…meaning if left untreated, it would quickly become invasive.
While I am fortunate and grateful to God that we caught it so early, this is still not something you ever want to hear your doctor say. The particular form I have (glandular) is rare, and even if you remove the affected tissue and are able to get clean margins (which is what I'm aiming for tomorrow), there is a high likelihood that it will return within 4-5 years. So the most recommended form of treatment is to just go ahead and have a hysterectomy. This poses a problem for someone like me, who still carries hope for the possibility of delivering my own children some day.
While I am fortunate and grateful to God that we caught it so early, this is still not something you ever want to hear your doctor say. The particular form I have (glandular) is rare, and even if you remove the affected tissue and are able to get clean margins (which is what I'm aiming for tomorrow), there is a high likelihood that it will return within 4-5 years. So the most recommended form of treatment is to just go ahead and have a hysterectomy. This poses a problem for someone like me, who still carries hope for the possibility of delivering my own children some day.
It is surprising how much your feelings about a big decision like having children change, when the choice is taken away from you. For a while, I have honestly wondered if having children was really in the cards for me anyway. A few years ago, when I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with a particular person, I eventually faced that decision, and what I ended up choosing surprised even me. I realized something about myself - that having the spouse, the soul mate, the partner I wanted to go through life with, was more important to me than having kids. So why now, when again facing the potential of not having them, am I so upset?
One thing I do know. God knows what He is doing and He can step in to intervene in my situation any time He wants. If I am supposed to have kids, it will happen somehow. I choose faith over worry. And God, being the wonderful God He is, has been speaking such words of comfort to me over the past few days.
The first message I felt was directly from Him, was in one of my email devotionals, which discussed 2 Corinthians 4:15-17. While these are verses that were already familiar to me, the wording of the particular translation used in this devotional really grabbed me: "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! (NLT)" The phrase "though our bodies are dying" is obviously what captured my attention, but it truly pierced my heart because of the many other friends I have in my life right now who are suffering from physical ailments. So many of us, far too young to be worrying about such problems. My heart aches for them as well, and this verse felt like a balm to my soul.
The first message I felt was directly from Him, was in one of my email devotionals, which discussed 2 Corinthians 4:15-17. While these are verses that were already familiar to me, the wording of the particular translation used in this devotional really grabbed me: "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! (NLT)" The phrase "though our bodies are dying" is obviously what captured my attention, but it truly pierced my heart because of the many other friends I have in my life right now who are suffering from physical ailments. So many of us, far too young to be worrying about such problems. My heart aches for them as well, and this verse felt like a balm to my soul.
The next morning, this is what I found waiting for me in my inbox:
"He has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. He has besieged and surrounded me with anguish and distress…and though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers" (Lamentations 3:4-6, 8 NLT). "We all go through a time when our lives seem to be falling apart. We lose our job. A relationship falls apart. Someone dies. Our health takes a turn for the worse. In those times, we're tempted to think God has abandoned us. But He hasn't. The ancient prophet Jeremiah was in the same boat when he wrote the book of Lamentations. He too, felt God had forgotten him. And where did he start? He told God how he felt. Jeremiah didn't ignore what he was feeling. He didn't sugarcoat the situation. In fact, he spent five chapters telling God what he thought about the situation - "this stinks!" Why would God put that kind of passage in the Bible? He wants you to know that He can handle your anger, your gripes, and your grief. If God was big enough to handle Jeremiah's pain, He's big enough to handle yours, too. He doesn't owe you an explanation, but He is never afraid of what you have to say. So tell Him. It'll be the beginning of healing."
And like putting the last puzzle piece in place, God spoke to me again on Sunday morning, during our Pastor's sermon. The main theme was about "healing vs. forgiveness", using the story of Jesus healing the paralytic man. When the friends of this man brought him before Jesus, the first thing Jesus did was not to heal his body, but to forgive his sins. Probably not what they were expecting. But it brings up a good point…which is more important - our physical healing or our spiritual healing? Which is truly more life-threatening?
As I reflected on all of these things today, I felt such a wash of peace fall over me. God has been using all of these things to remind me of this: our life here on Earth is but a vapor. While we may pray for physical healing for our current and temporary ailments, Jesus has already healed us from the worst diagnosis we could ever face - the disease of sin. In light of that, I can find peace and joy no matter what the outcome of my present situation. Thank you, Jesus. I love you, too.
P.S. One last love letter from God...here's the video we showed in church that morning:
